There was a time when everything I posted here was gritty, honest, and from the depths of myself. When that was the case, I poured everything out for you to see; and you seemed to like it. Well, it was good for me too. It is nice to get things off of my mind and into words. Very nice. And, in return, I get to make honest connections with folks. I’ve shared stories from my past that some folks can relate with, and others – well, not so much. The point of this ramble is that I’m going back to the grit. Might even get grittier.
Out there in social media land, I censor what I say. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a curse word in any of my posts on Facebook, Twitter, or Google+. I’m a strange cat, with a strange sense of humor, but that rarely gets conveyed for fear of offending people…out there. In here, folks have to seek me out, so I’m just gonna hit you with whatever I can find in the most fucked up recesses of my mind…and kittens.
I have had a lot of different thoughts lately. They’ve all been hiding under headaches and behind dark, weary eyes. I’ve been struggling with personal demons. They put me in the bed at 8:00. They make my thoughts distant and hard to wrangle. They confuse the hell out of me and don’t let me know why I torture myself. Sometimes I want to just lie down, wherever I am, and give up for a while. That spot in the corner of the room looks like it might be comfy, or the part of the driveway where oil leaked from my old convertible, maybe the mulch in the backyard where the dog likes to shit would be comfy…she seems to like it there. It could be 2 minutes, 2 hours, or longer, but I just want to stop everything. I want what feels like the weight of all my life and the troubles of everyone I love to cover me like a thousand ton blanket and keep me warm while I hide from whatever it is that scares me.
Isn’t that ridiculous?
The thing is, most of the time I don’t know what’s eating at me. It’s almost constant though. And, while I’m surrounded by people who I love and who love me, I still feel weak, unaccomplished, and a failure. Sometimes I talk about it with my wife, but it’s hard to explain without getting upset and lashing out for no reason. I’m so laid back – on the outside – but when it gets to be more than I can contain, I have 30 second bursts of asshole. Actually, sometimes it seems like she thinks I have 30 second bursts of nice guy and long sessions of asshole. Maybe I’m such a dick that I don’t realize how dickish I’m being. I don’t know. What I do know is I’ve been rambling for 500 words and I haven’t even gotten to a topic that resembles what I sat down to write about.
This thing, the thing I’m about to write about, is something that’s been bothering me for a while and I can’t come to terms with it. Faith. Have you ever considered your faith? I hadn’t. I took it blindly. Then I realized there are contradictions, plot holes, and rules that can’t possibly have been given by a loving god. This book, the Holy Bible, is one of many that has started wars, stirred the pot of hate, and been the source of pain and suffering for millions. Sure, it’s full of good stories with morals and consequences, but it’s also full of death in the name of righteousness. “Thou shalt not kill” only applies in cases where there hasn’t been some kind of offense to warrant stoning to death, crucifixion, or decapitation. You know, stuff like asking questions, disobeying parents, or being gay.
We’re all born sinners, and the only way to salvation is through accepting Jesus Christ as our savior and having our boarding pass punched by him. He is, after all, the way, the truth, and the light. I’m a little fuzzy on the details here, but does this mean that anyone who dies without knowing about and accepting Jesus to be the messiah is doomed to suffer in Hell? Are babies, children, the developmentally disabled, and people in cultures unaware of Christianity packing the corners of Hell by the thousands? I probably couldn’t even find a place to lie down. Maybe Hell was in the train cars on the way to Auschwitz. I think it probably was.
A little farther back, in the Garden of Eden, after God’s laborious week of creation, we were perfect. We didn’t know shame or sin. God gave us free will, and that’s where evil began, with Adam and Eve. The only two people in existence…but, what about that evil serpent who tempted Eve? Why didn’t God just kill that fucker before it even had a chance to screw up his utopian creation. I mean, I had a guy come out and kill all the termites so they wouldn’t destroy my house. Hell, why did He even create the serpent in the first place? I don’t know, but it certainly seems like there’s been evil as long as there’s been anything at all, not just since God gave us the freedom to make our own decisions.
According to the bible, as I understand it, Jesus is the son of God, but he was also God incarnate. God’s experiment so that He could suffer the human condition firsthand. Only by doing this could He tell us to piss off when we say life’s too tough. Jesus lived a life of torture and persecution. All he wanted to do was to be nice and tell folks about his dad and the kingdom that could be waiting for them if they believe.
Then, there’s the Holy Ghost. I have no idea what this part of the trinity is about.
But, I was raised Christian. I went to Baptist church on Sunday morning and Pentecostal church on Sunday night and sometimes on Wednesday. Today, I’m still Christian, but not in a way most other Christians would accept me as one of their own. I’ve learned a lot of stuff since the first time I sang “This Little Light of Mine”. I’ve pretty much tossed out the bulk of the Bible. What I have not learned, and likely never will, is that God doesn’t exist and Jesus is not the way to salvation. There are a lot of different religions, but there’s never going to be a definitive answer as to which one is right, so I’ll stick with being nice and believing in the God of the bible. I mean, even if I were to renounce Christianity I’d still believe there was something bigger than, and in existence before, the big bang.
If I’ve blasphemed here and doomed myself to Hell, well, I guess that’s on me. What do you think? Am I completely wrong?
Dan – first off, good read. And I know how good it can feel to get all of that out of your brain. Like picking a good scab that is not quite ready to come off, it hurts and might bleed a little, but you just can’t seem to leave it alone until the raw flesh underneath is exposed.
As for organized religion, the older I get the less it appeals to me. I try to be nice to most everyone, but not out of fear of a vengeful god or eternal punishment. I know it is the right thing to do because I feel it in my whole being when I do.
As for feeling weak, unaccomplished, and a failure, I can also relate to that particular rut of depression, and yet I would beg to differ on your assessment. I know that meeting and working with you made a difference in my life, and I saw you create successes first hand. I know that you are a loving father and husband, and a fellow nice guy in your core. And just look at what this one blog post has accomplished! You have elicited multiple, heartfelt responses from people of many different beliefs that all have one thing in common: we were all touched by your writing to the point that we felt compelled to respond. Strong work, my friend.
Jevon, glad to see you here. I’m not much for picking scabs, but a booger I can’t get to…now that’s something I can relate with.
Anyway, I think we’re on a similar path. In our work time together we connected pretty well…still need to go get some beer. Thank you for your kind words. I truly appreciate them. Thanks for reading too! Come back, hell, come by the office.
Dan,
Sorry for the delayed response. A few thoughts that I might contribute: First off, personally, I am a follower of Christ. It’s my personal, miraculous relationship with Christ that sustains my faith and I through the dips and the valleys of my Christian walk, as well as the exercise of my humanity with all different people of all different walks, backgrounds, and faith.
You are not a blasphemer to question your faith, God’s encompassing love, or any other spiritual matters. Martin Luther of days gone by had a depressive nature that he would sink into to try to understand his place in the Christian “cosmos” (if you may). There are many other thoughts that I would submit to you to think over, but I’ll save them for another followup post maybe. I would encourage you to look at God for his purpose for you, his plan for you, and his simple plan of salvation. Humans are so frail and undependable in most every sense. Some your points and the comments above remind me of Ghandi who said {paraphrased} “I like your Christ, but not your Christians.” Even the best of Christians will let you down, disappoint, and create atrocities in Christ’s name. Uncovering your faith is not about organized religion, methodologies, but a true relationship with God.
I think I have a pretty good idea of why I’m here…at least part of it. As for the blaspheming, I did question the validity of the bible http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/blaspheme But I don’t think God has the kind of anger toward being questioned that the bible says. Thanks for coming back and commenting.
It’s obvious that you don’t need faith in a god to be a good person. So that can be ruled out. And while we all go through hardships, I don’t feel there’s any reason to think that a god can help you out of it. Especially when you have to then ask, “Is he the one that put me here?” If that answer is “no” then how did you end up there? If it was because of someone else, then don’t worry, that’s on that person. If it was because you put yourself there, then it’s your duty to pick yourself up.
Easier said than done, right? Well, instead of looking to the “unconditional love” of a god, maybe we should look to the far superior love of family and friends first. That’s why you always go to them isn’t it? To confide in them, to get help from them, and to console them. It’s not like we see a friend crying and say “God will help you,” and walk away. No, we stay with them.
But you mentioned even with them, you’re still lost. But they’re still there. And you know they are. There’s not much else to it. Simply put, they’re not going anywhere. You ask for help or even a silent, consoling hug and the results are immediate; and there’s no waiting for a ‘master plan’ to kick in.
No matter how many comments you get on here or at a bar, you’re still going to walk away without an answer. We can’t give that to you, and frankly, I don’t think it’s our place to tell you what you should or shouldn’t believe. I know, that’s not what you were expecting to happen anyway. So, how do you find the answer? And when? More unanswerable questions. The world is filled with them. Take every step relying on the immediate things in life: love, truth, and exact thinking.
To also quote Ghandi…
“A man is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.”
And I’ll close with words from one of the greatest love-driven minds:
Bertrand Russell
Your friendly Atheist, Josh.
And just for good measure — “I know, right? Probably a little brash, eh?”
Josh, I won’t argue that the love of those around us that we can see and feel isn’t of value. I also agree that I probably won’t get a definitive answer regarding any of my questions, at least not one that doesn’t have something to do with relying on faith. Once I get my mind set on knowing how something works, I have a hard time letting go…so, ‘rely on faith’ is probably gonna be all I get and I’ll have questions as long as I want to ponder ‘em. You and I have discussed, at length, the fact that you don’t need a god to be a good person, however, you can’t spell good without god…just saying. Thanks for reading and for your input.
Also, don’t you mean ehthiest? *rimshot*
I love this post because it’s so real…if any of us have faith w/o questions I submit that it’s a very shallow faith.
I see a lot of responses here about “organized religion” – I may be the only one commenting who participates whole-heartedly in it. Why do I stick with the church? And for the record, “the church” means all christians, as in “the body of Christ” – not a particular denomination. For one thing, I don’t see my relationship with God as “religion.” It’s a friendship, a father/daughter thing, something that’s as much a part of me as my heartbeat.
For another, I find that my church provides structure for my faith & real life support for me. Example – Who came to see me every day in the hospital? Friends from church. I know there are lots of awful people in churches – I’ve been up against them all my life. But I don’t let the jerks blind me to the awesome, funny, kind people who are also there.
That the God of the universe likes me enough to pursue a friendship with me…that’s amazing. That because of Jesus I can approach God as a friend & parent…I’m astounded. It makes me want to be a better person.
Thanks, Sassy. I’ve grown tired of writing stuff that doesn’t mean anything to me. I’ll still write some fiction or reviews, but I want to get back to stuff that I think about. People seem to connect.
I can appreciate the “church providing structure”. There was a time when I was drawn to Catholicism or Lutheranism for the structure. I’ve come to believe, however, that I don’t need a building to be close to God. I don’t have a lot of conversations with Him though. I don’t ask for anything like to do well at something or for someone’s health. In fact, about the only thing I do ask for is strength for people around those who are suffering. I don’t do the whole “Dear Heavenly Father….” thing when I pray. I just have a conversation, well, a monologue/one sided conversation.
Thanks for reading and commenting. Have a poke around and read some other stuff if’n ya like.