There was a time when everything I posted here was gritty, honest, and from the depths of myself. When that was the case, I poured everything out for you to see; and you seemed to like it. Well, it was good for me too. It is nice to get things off of my mind and into words. Very nice. And, in return, I get to make honest connections with folks. I’ve shared stories from my past that some folks can relate with, and others – well, not so much. The point of this ramble is that I’m going back to the grit. Might even get grittier.
Out there in social media land, I censor what I say. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a curse word in any of my posts on Facebook, Twitter, or Google+. I’m a strange cat, with a strange sense of humor, but that rarely gets conveyed for fear of offending people…out there. In here, folks have to seek me out, so I’m just gonna hit you with whatever I can find in the most fucked up recesses of my mind…and kittens.
I have had a lot of different thoughts lately. They’ve all been hiding under headaches and behind dark, weary eyes. I’ve been struggling with personal demons. They put me in the bed at 8:00. They make my thoughts distant and hard to wrangle. They confuse the hell out of me and don’t let me know why I torture myself. Sometimes I want to just lie down, wherever I am, and give up for a while. That spot in the corner of the room looks like it might be comfy, or the part of the driveway where oil leaked from my old convertible, maybe the mulch in the backyard where the dog likes to shit would be comfy…she seems to like it there. It could be 2 minutes, 2 hours, or longer, but I just want to stop everything. I want what feels like the weight of all my life and the troubles of everyone I love to cover me like a thousand ton blanket and keep me warm while I hide from whatever it is that scares me.
Isn’t that ridiculous?
The thing is, most of the time I don’t know what’s eating at me. It’s almost constant though. And, while I’m surrounded by people who I love and who love me, I still feel weak, unaccomplished, and a failure. Sometimes I talk about it with my wife, but it’s hard to explain without getting upset and lashing out for no reason. I’m so laid back – on the outside – but when it gets to be more than I can contain, I have 30 second bursts of asshole. Actually, sometimes it seems like she thinks I have 30 second bursts of nice guy and long sessions of asshole. Maybe I’m such a dick that I don’t realize how dickish I’m being. I don’t know. What I do know is I’ve been rambling for 500 words and I haven’t even gotten to a topic that resembles what I sat down to write about.
This thing, the thing I’m about to write about, is something that’s been bothering me for a while and I can’t come to terms with it. Faith. Have you ever considered your faith? I hadn’t. I took it blindly. Then I realized there are contradictions, plot holes, and rules that can’t possibly have been given by a loving god. This book, the Holy Bible, is one of many that has started wars, stirred the pot of hate, and been the source of pain and suffering for millions. Sure, it’s full of good stories with morals and consequences, but it’s also full of death in the name of righteousness. “Thou shalt not kill” only applies in cases where there hasn’t been some kind of offense to warrant stoning to death, crucifixion, or decapitation. You know, stuff like asking questions, disobeying parents, or being gay.
We’re all born sinners, and the only way to salvation is through accepting Jesus Christ as our savior and having our boarding pass punched by him. He is, after all, the way, the truth, and the light. I’m a little fuzzy on the details here, but does this mean that anyone who dies without knowing about and accepting Jesus to be the messiah is doomed to suffer in Hell? Are babies, children, the developmentally disabled, and people in cultures unaware of Christianity packing the corners of Hell by the thousands? I probably couldn’t even find a place to lie down. Maybe Hell was in the train cars on the way to Auschwitz. I think it probably was.
A little farther back, in the Garden of Eden, after God’s laborious week of creation, we were perfect. We didn’t know shame or sin. God gave us free will, and that’s where evil began, with Adam and Eve. The only two people in existence…but, what about that evil serpent who tempted Eve? Why didn’t God just kill that fucker before it even had a chance to screw up his utopian creation. I mean, I had a guy come out and kill all the termites so they wouldn’t destroy my house. Hell, why did He even create the serpent in the first place? I don’t know, but it certainly seems like there’s been evil as long as there’s been anything at all, not just since God gave us the freedom to make our own decisions.
According to the bible, as I understand it, Jesus is the son of God, but he was also God incarnate. God’s experiment so that He could suffer the human condition firsthand. Only by doing this could He tell us to piss off when we say life’s too tough. Jesus lived a life of torture and persecution. All he wanted to do was to be nice and tell folks about his dad and the kingdom that could be waiting for them if they believe.
Then, there’s the Holy Ghost. I have no idea what this part of the trinity is about.
But, I was raised Christian. I went to Baptist church on Sunday morning and Pentecostal church on Sunday night and sometimes on Wednesday. Today, I’m still Christian, but not in a way most other Christians would accept me as one of their own. I’ve learned a lot of stuff since the first time I sang “This Little Light of Mine”. I’ve pretty much tossed out the bulk of the Bible. What I have not learned, and likely never will, is that God doesn’t exist and Jesus is not the way to salvation. There are a lot of different religions, but there’s never going to be a definitive answer as to which one is right, so I’ll stick with being nice and believing in the God of the bible. I mean, even if I were to renounce Christianity I’d still believe there was something bigger than, and in existence before, the big bang.
If I’ve blasphemed here and doomed myself to Hell, well, I guess that’s on me. What do you think? Am I completely wrong?