I Can Handle Death

Whoever said “The only things certain in life are death and taxes” was wrong.  In fact, the only thing certain in life is death.  There are songs about it, religions based on it, movies that revolve around it and fictitious characters created to personify it.  No matter how a person feels about it, be it anxious, fearful or prepared, it is coming.  Everything from the stars in the sky to the smallest organisms on Earth must die at some point.

I couldn’t have been any older than four or five when I had my first experience with death.  My grandfather, Gus, died while Mom, Dad and I were out of town.  He was my mom’s stepfather and the only grandparent I ever knew.  I remember very little of the experience.  I was a sad little boy sitting in a hard, uncomfortable chair who refused to go to the casket to say goodbye to his grandpa.  Thinking back on the event; I believe that I may have been angry with him for leaving me.  We played together and he would clean up my toys when we were finished because I was just too tired to do it.  He would play his harmonica for me while I used the bathroom and we ate burned biscuits for breakfast.  That was the way he liked to cook them.  Nobody wanted to horn in on his food when it was poorly prepared and that was just right for him.

Death to a child is a foreign and abstract concept.  It is difficult to understand how and why someone will not be at the next family gathering.  We tell them “Grandpa’s gone to Heaven to be with Jesus.”  Even the concepts of faith and religion are unfamiliar so these words of healing and encouragement aren’t fully understood.  They serve a purpose though.  They help to sew the crops of belief and while helping the parents cope with the loss; possibly even more so than they help the children that they are intended to heal.

It was several years before death visited my family again; at least that I can remember.  I was probably 13 when my parents got word that my cousin, Alan, had died.  We went to Kentucky to be with family and attend the funeral.  This time, I did visit the casket.  I didn’t know Alan that well but I can’t imagine that the person that I saw lying there looked anything like the man for whom my family was mourning.  I remember his hands, vividly.  His fingers were interlocked over his stomach.  They looked as though they were made of ash and paper mache and could crumble to dust with the breeze.

A few years later it happened.  People I knew were dying.  A close friend was driving to a nearby town when an 18 wheeler crossed the center line and collided with his car.  A short time later a friend had been drinking and decided that he was sober enough for the drive home.  He drove his car into a tree.  Another friend, after suffering the pain of unrequited love, took his own life in his apartment with a shotgun.  Then there was the friend who, after having one too many, found himself driving into oncoming traffic on the interstate late one night.  Finally, in the series, there was a very sweet young girl who was leaving a fraternity party on campus, completely sober, when she was struck by a drunk driver while walking to her car.  I attended each funeral.  None were open casket.

More recently, my dad died.  His was, by far, the most impactful death that I have experienced.  I have written about him and his death on numerous occasions.  Doing so has helped me to heal.  I changed the day he died.  Not intentionally or consciously but I did change.  A big part of me died that day too.

There is another man whose death had a great impact on my life.  His name was Jesus Christ.  He was, and is, the son of God; sent from Heaven to teach us of His father’s love and, ultimately, to die for our sins.  Jesus said, “I am the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end”.  It is because of my Christian faith that I know that I’ll see the people I love who’ve died before me in Heaven.

Hank Williams, Jr. sang “If Heaven ain’t a lot like Dixie, I don’t want to go”.  In another song, Belinda Carlisle told us that “Heaven is a place on Earth” and the Talking Heads said “Everyone’s trying to get to the bar. The name of the bar, the bar is called Heaven.”  The concept of Heaven has pervaded our culture.  From music to movies and literature, references to this Christian reward for faith in God and a life well lived occur.  On the other end of the Christian spectrum is Hell.  This is the place of eternal damnation where non believers and non-repenting sinners go to spend eternity in pain and suffering.  This afterlife destination, too, appears throughout the various entertainment media in most predominantly Christian cultures.

The concepts of Heaven and Hell appear in other cultures too although sometimes by different names.  Most religions, interestingly enough, revolve around a similar set of rules.  There are either one or several deities who created the universe and a prophet or Earthly incarnation of the god.  Usually there is a set of rules or guidelines that must be followed in order to achieve a higher plane of existence or afterlife.  The reward for a life well lived and in servitude to the deity is either a good reincarnation or an eternity in a utopian nirvana where all needs are met and there is no sorrow.  The punishment for not doing so is a torturous eternity in some form of limbo or hell.

By and large, the same people who believe in the Christian afterlife or most any incarnation of the hereafter are fearful of death.  They live their lives being guarded and careful.  They look for death around every corner and pray that their caution will allow them to make it to old age where they can die peacefully.  This is not to say that anyone necessarily looks forward to death but there is an understanding that death is the one thing that truly binds all living creatures.

In Ira Byock’s book, “Dying Well: Peace and Possibilities at the End of Life”, he tells the stories of several of his patients who were facing the end of life.  Many were initially resentful but, with his coaching and encouragement, came to terms with their respective situations, made peace with their families and nearly all had what Byock refers to as a “good death”.

Most cultures have experienced war.  These same cultures glorify death at the hands of another during combat.  It is a supreme sacrifice for one’s faith, country or clan.  People who join or are drafted into the military know that their lives will likely be in danger.  As such, they and their families prepare for this most final of outcomes.  A will is usually prepared and, before shipping out, “see you laters” are said but the underlying understanding is that it may, in fact, be goodbye.  Death for a soldier, if it comes, will likely be quick.  There will be things that could and possibly should have been said or done that will never be.  This death, however, will not be completely unexpected.

What was unexpected was when the Earth shook in Haiti and, after the aftershocks; nearly a quarter of a million lives had ended.  No time for goodbyes.  No feelings of comfort.  Not one “good death”.  My heart breaks for the families of these people.  Unlike families of people who go into war, the families of people who suddenly and unexpectedly lose their lives have no preparation.  There is only living and then dead.

One Mississippi.  Somewhere in the world two people just died.  One or possibly even both of them may have been battling disease or illness for months or years.  This is such a slow and painful way to go but; is it possible that it is the best way?  I don’t have the answer to that question.  Maybe the answer is yes, though.  When a person dies somewhat slowly due to illness both they and the family have time to come to terms with what is happening.  This death allows an opportunity to make peace with one’s faith, family and self.  Conversely, this death is slow and painful.  It is difficult for the dying to accept the circumstance and even more difficult to see one’s self deteriorating.  Equally devastating is the toll that is taken on the family as they watch, helpless, as their loved one draws nearer and nearer to death.  Even a good death, it seems, is bad.

The movies “Wit” and “My Life” both deal with this type of death.  The protagonist in each movie is faced with a terminal form of cancer and has time to suffer as well as make amends with loved ones.  This is complicated; however, in the movie “Wit” as the main character has no close friends or relatives.  I can’t imagine going through such a difficult time in life with no one against whom I could lean.

Unlike when someone close to a child dies and there is little understanding; when a child is terminally ill there is a great aging and maturing process.  It seems that the mind of a child is capable of dealing with self mortality far better than that of an adult.  Initially, I’m sure, there is confusion but for some reason a sense of peace seems to permeate the young soul and ease the process.

When a person dies we often say that “God needed another angel” or “Their work here was finished”.  I believe that, if we let Him, God will guide us and make the transition easier.

There is an interesting and confusing paradox when it comes to living life in the best way possible.  When thinking of mortal life as a small portion of eternity our actions seem somewhat inconsequential.  That is, until we factor in the belief that what we do here will determine our afterlife of eternity.  People who are terminally ill often say that they live each day as though it is their last because it truly could be.  They also encourage others to do the same.

The confusion begins when we consider planning for the future.  If today is my last day then I don’t need to be concerned with paying next month’s mortgage or finding a doctor to repair the time bomb of a hernia that resides in my abdomen.  All that I would need to concern myself with would be showing my family, my loved ones and my Lord how much I love them.

The book of First Corinthians says that “In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.”  In that instant, the twinkling of an eye, all Earthly and mortal time will pass and I will be with all of those that I have loved and lost.  Whether they had gone before me or after we will all be together forever.

In Pink Floyd’s song “Time” if you listen carefully you can hear a voice say “Why should I look forward to dying? I see no reason for it.”  Perhaps we should all look forward to dying.  We shouldn’t go stampeding toward it but, rather, accept that when it comes it will be cause for personal celebration.

Is it possible that the time of our death has been predetermined by God?  General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson believed this to be true.  He is quoted as saying “My religious belief teaches me to feel as safe in battle as in bed. God has fixed the time for my death. I do not concern myself about that, but to be always ready, no matter when it may overtake me.”  I tend to agree with General Jackson; unlike him though I won’t be charging into any situations that may hasten my death.  When my time comes death will find me whether I’m staring it in the face or hiding in bed with the covers pulled tightly over my eyes.

I’m not necessarily a religious man but I do have faith and I am a Christian, though; I can’t remember the last time I attended a church service.  I don’t want to die today or any time soon but I’m secure in my faith and I know that when my time comes I will not be afraid of death.  Rather, I’ll be afraid of losing all of the people who are living that I love; even if it is only for a short time.

Several years ago I wrote a very short poem:

The moment of conception

A beautiful thing

The moment we begin to die

Before we are allowed to breathe our bodies are forming in the womb and our lives are in danger.  Our common destination, death, lies at the end of each road traveled.  Whether we face it boldly or cower in fear we will all be greeted by it at some point.  If we think of mortal life as infancy then death is not to be feared.  Some may say that death is the end of life.  I would tell them that it is the beginning of life anew.  Death is merely a doorway at the end of a short but crowded corridor.  As we draw closer to the end of the hallway we should reach out our hand with purpose and prepare to grasp the handle and pass through.  It is not locked and there is no need to close it behind ourselves.